I spent last Friday going back and forth to my computer to see if the SOAR! finalists had been announced.
Around 9 pm the results were in…..
….and I wasn’t one of the finalist.
I cried…and cried…and drank a few margaritas - my celebration for the winners, I suppose ;).
I cried because I wanted this SO bad and even though I thought I mentally prepared myself to not win, I was still overcome with emotion.
The prize was not mine to claim and now I understand why.
My motives were all wrong. I applied for the SOAR! scholarship because I wanted to build my photography business. What I didn’t realize that all the tools I needed to build my business I already had.
Instead, I realized that I REALLY wanted to win because I wanted to fill a void. I wanted this to be a ray of hope in my last few months of sadness. I wanted it to bring me out of the sorrow from recently losing our dog and cat within just months of each other. To add momentary happiness for the hole in my heart that is there because today and tomorrow we will have to pay tribute to a 2 year old cousin whose life was taken away too soon.
I know that winning SOAR! would have not fixed any of the sorrow I feel. But it would have served as a distracting happiness that would fill the daily bouts of crying after realizing that I no longer had a cat meowing to greet me every time I came home or that there wasn’t a dog obediently sitting on my feet as I watched TV on the couch or that his head was comfortingly sitting on my lap as I cried.
Through this I have learned that I can still make my business what I want it to be on my own. I just need to take charge of the dream I have in my mind. I need to focus on what really drives me – my children and husband – to succeed.
Watch out for me…
I may not be soaring yet, but I am finding my wings! =)
PS – A HUGE THANK YOU TO MeRa and Brian for all you do in empowering women and harnessing their dreams in photography. It saddens me that people can be hurtful to you both because they did not win.
PSS – Congratulations to Linda, Lindsey and Jennifer on winning SOAR! You have a bright path ahead of each of you and I look forward to following you in your journeys.
3 comments:
I so wish you could have gotten the boost from winning the SOAR scholarship but I'm so glad to hear you're seeing that you already have what it takes. You can do it!
I can so so so relate to missing our sweet pets right now. I have been missing my Sam dog like crazy the past few days and really wishing I had his fuzzy ears to listen to my woes. Something so comforting in that silent love.
And your sweet cousin. What better reminder about how much a difference portraits can make for a family. The pictures Gaby's parents have must mean even more now. You can give that gift of a moment captured in time to so many.
What a beautiful post Michelle. I admire your courage of self understanding with so much loss in your life recently. You are an inspiration to me.
I just found your blog and find your writing to be an inspiration! You will find your way to 'soar' and it will be well worth the extended journey. Love what you are preparing to do!
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